Your wedding day, may not be the best day of your life.
Sorry ladies, I hate to break it to you, but there is a chance in 10 or even 5 years, this might not be the best day of your life. It will be memorable and the day you got to marry your love, but there are other life events that could trump this day. Looking back, I loved my wedding day, but I don’t remember a lot of it. However, I do remember almost every detail from both of my daughters birth’s. Those days hold so many emotions for me. I cried more than I did when I got married and felt more emotion after they were born than I ever have in my entire life.
A bad day does not make a bad marriage.
We all have bad days, a bad day can turn into a few bad days and that can even turn into a bad week. It’s never fun to have a bad day, but a bad day or an off day in a relationship can be tough. Especially if you have a tendency to be short with your spouse during a bad day. For me, when I am having one of those days and am just in a funk, I often don’t talk as much and am short. Not because I’m mad at anyone, I’m just not in a good mood and frankly don’t like faking a good mood sometimes. I usually give myself a time frame to be in my funk and then snap out of it. It’s okay to have these days and even if you and your partner are having an off day or two, even a week it won’t last forever and thats not what your marriage is based on.
It’s okay to fight.
I hate fighting, really not my thing and I’m not good at it. I get too emotional and then get upset that we are fighting and want to end it verses actually talking it out so I just get quiet. That being said, it happens, relationships are work and surprise, but you and your partner may not agree on everything and that is a good thing! Fights will happen, just remember to fight fair. Especially after children come into your lives and sleep deprivation gets the best of you. I do not recommend picking a fight in the middle of the night when the baby isn’t sleeping and you have gotten much sleep. Trust me I have been there. Wait till you are both level headed with a cup of coffee, you might even realize there was nothing to argue about.
It may not ever be “even”, don’t keep score!
I wrote a whole post on this subject. I used to do this and let me just tell you it doesn’t end well. There is no winner, even if you do more and keep tally, you will only loose. At times you or your spouse will do more and take on more responsibility in and outside of the house. It will ebb and flow as your children grow and depend more on one and less on another. It’s okay to feel like you do more, because I am sure at times you are! If feelings of resentment start to creep in, make sure to discuss it with your spouse and align your relationship more.
It probably won’t look like what you expected
Marriage is nothing that I expected but everything I imagined. It’s beautiful and messy. Albeit crazy at times (especially since kids entered the picture) but there are so many aspects that I didn’t quite expect. Maybe it’s because this is the longest relationship I have ever had or it could be because I didn’t grow up with a good example of what marriage could be like. I expected to fight more and didn’t realize what a true partner would be like in day to day life.
It’s okay to not be perfect
Marriage will most likely be one of or the longest relationships you will have outside of your immediate family. Even after five years of marriage, I still try to be “perfect”. I’m not, but I want to be the perfect wife for my husband. This being said, I am never fake, but I strive to be the perfect partner for him. This doesn’t mean wearing make up to bed or trying to pretend like I don’t fart, it is more about how I can be the best spouse for him. I also loose my cool, have bad days, cry and may not be the person I want to be everyday and I let him see the real me. At the end of the day, its us against the world and if he can’t love my slightly less perfect parts than what are we even doing?!
Your sex life will change
I cringe just writing this because if I had read this 5 years ago I never would have thought we would have gone months without having sex. But, we have and its okay! My biggest piece of advice is to make sure you talk about it and don’t make the subject taboo. There’s nothing wrong with a low sex drive postpartum due to hormones, sleep deprivation and your entire world being turned upside-down. That being said, if you feel like it it more than just a low sex drive due to outside factors, please talk to your doctor! Also, if sex is not a high priority for either of you, find other ways to connect. Sometimes a cuddle on the couch while watching TV, or holding hands during a walk with the kiddos goes a long way.
Highs and lows flow almost equally
I was a bit naïve about a few things before I got married. Not really just about marriage, mostly about how much life would change while in a long term relationship. I had never been in a relationship longer than 2 years, so I never really thought about how much can happen to two people in 10 years. A marriage is dealing with all of your highs and lows plus someone else. Their triumphs and successes are now yours as well as the hard stuff. It’s great to have a partner to go through all of that together, but there will be even more as they have their own life as well as the one you have made together.
Children are a game changer
On the subject of children…they are the best thing but will also completely turn your world upside down. Not in a bad way, they just will. It’s the way it goes, they will forever change you and the furture of your life and relationship. Which is kind of the whole point right…but they also can turn things upside down that were never an issue or a thought before.
At the end of the day your marriage is just you and your spouses, no one else! It will be you and your partner against the world. That’s what a marriage is all about. Despite the ups and downs of life, the tears, sleepless nights, the moments you will never forget and the ones you wish you could. You and your person will be there for all of it and that is something forever sacred.
In case you missed it: Keeping Marriage Alive During the Newborn Phase